When you hear the word break up do you think romantically? Do you think of your ex? You’re not alone, I think of that too. But do you ever think of the end of a friendship as a breakup?

A break up is the end of a relationship or the separation of something into several pieces or sections.

Friendships are relationships too and the “break up” of a friendship can be just as heartbreaking as a break up with a significant other. I’ve been through a couple of breakups, both romantically and with friendships. And I don’t know about you, but when it comes to romantic relationships I can tend to be a little more guarded. It takes a little longer to get to the good stuff: you know the raw, unfiltered conversations. The stuff you build love on.

But it is not that way when it comes to friendships. I often just jump into friendships heart first, all in, without any inclination of getting hurt.

Okay, ready for a high school musical reference? Making friends for me is like how Gabriella said singing with Troy was in the first movie. It’s like kindergarten. She said, “Do you remember in kindergarten how you’d meet a kid and know nothing about them, then 10 seconds later you’re playing like you’re best friends because you didn’t have to be anything but yourself?”

But is it really that simple? Can we really just become best friends with someone that quickly? In short, yes, but it takes a little practice. And you’re probably thinking, “Bella, why did you start this post with break ups if you’re just going to talk about becoming best friends with people?” Well it’s because to understand how to do something well I think you have to understand how not to do something, it’s kind of like how you can’t have a rainbow without first having a storm. So here it goes, here’s my experience with breakups and what I’ve learned from it.

So I’m just going to be talking about friendship break ups, which are different than romantic break ups but no one really talks about friendship break ups. It’s funny because they seem to be more common since we often have stages of life and sometimes in the midst of transition we change and with that our friendships change. And honestly, nothing is wrong with that, because the only thing that is really constant in life is change. People change and that’s okay, but if we choose to handle a friendship breakup badly it can really damage our self-esteem and cause us to become insecure. I know it’s happened this way for me, and so I’ve learned a thing or two about it.

For me, I’ve had friendships that have ended and often just focused on the negatives and the insecurities within myself. What I mean by this is, I thought about what I did wrong and what was wrong with me. I was left asking myself, “why wasn’t I good enough to be their friend?” When I should have really been asking myself, “what did I learn and gain from that friendship?” Let me tell you, this is not an easy mindset to have, it honestly takes a lot of self-reflection and maturity to get to this mindset. Personally, I have had to have a lot of self-reflection, self-growth and perseverance in that; and it has honestly paid off.

I’ve had three serious friendship breakups or shift in friendships that have lead me to reevaluate my investment in these friendships. And I honestly did consider all of them my best friends. The first one came at a time where I was wanting a friend who really got me, a friend who enjoyed the hobbies I enjoyed and someone who I could laugh with and just have a good time with; that’s exactly the type of friend I got. But like I said this friend came at a specific time in my life and they also left at a specific time in my life. Looking back, I am thankful for that friendship and without the experience of that friendship I definitely would not be where I am today. But while that friendship was ending and the time after that was quite difficult, I kept thinking that I had ruined the friendship and that I wasn’t good enough, when in reality we had changed individually and so our friendship dynamic changed causing us to grow apart. This mindset took years to come by, but I can now go into new friendships with a new perspective.

Okay, so ready for the real meat of this post? Obviously I’m not an expert, so bare with me, but I can share what I have learned. So here it goes:

Tip #1: Communicate

The best thing you can do in any type of relationship is to have an open line of communication. If you are able to comfortably and safely communicate with your friends, it saves a lot of headache. There have been so many friendships of mine that had terrible communication and they all went nowhere. Having that open line of communication helped me and can allow you to communicate your expectations, feelings, and ideas. Communication is important in all relationships, but having it be open and comfortable makes it so much better.

Tip #2: Don’t put unspoken, personal expectations on others

Expectations are a huge part of relationships and it goes hand-in-hand with communication. I have had so many friendships where we both had expectations and we never voiced them and so the friendship ended out of bitter feelings and growing apart. It’s not a very common belief, but expectations are okay to have in a friendship and when you’re open about your expectations of friendships it can make the friendship so much better. I’m not talking about having an application to be your friend with guidelines, but I am saying that it’s okay to speak up when someone has hurt your feelings or when you’re not feeling loved. I honestly believe it’s needed. But the part of this tip that is important is communicating your expectations and also realizing that your expectations may not match up with someone else’s expectations and that’s okay.

Tip #3: Self-reflect

Self-reflection is so needed in relationships. Without self-reflection, I don’t think there can be real growth. Every time I’ve taken time in my friendships to self-reflect I have been able to understand my friends so much more. When I self-reflect I am able to understand others perspective because I am conscious of how my actions and words affect my friends and those around me. Through understanding others perspectives I’m much more likely to understand their expectations and feelings and communicate better with them.

Tip #4: Love unconditionally

Loving unconditional can make the difference between a transactional friendship and having a relational one. When both parties love unconditional there is room for mistakes, growth, and improvement. And I think there is a sense of safety and comfortability in a friendship like that. It is a much more encouraging relationship that both parties can be built up in.